My body and brain have been split over the anticipation of the race. Half of me feels regret that I am not running the whole thing. The other half is reminding myself to be patient. I mostly feel jealous. Yes, I am that person who is jealous of the laboring mother, having been through that intense pain and knowing the immense bliss that comes with each birth. I am jealous of the other runners who will be crossing the finish line with me two Sundays from now, having completed 26.2 miles. Jealous of those who will be completing their 1st marathon, and even more jealous of those who will be completing their 10th or 20th or more. My body has been yearning to be a marathon runner for years. Part of me feels like the past 14 years (if not 28) of my life have led me to this. Alas, I must be patient. My time will come.
On Sunday March 9th I will slap hands with my sister, congratulate her and then stride off to finish the final 13.1 miles of the LA Marathon course. It is not an official half-marathon but rather a Charity relay program supported by the official LA Marathon. We are thrilled to participate. I registered for this race as a test. In the Fall I was diagnosed with a stress reaction -- at first I thought it was a fracture but after it healed completely within 4 weeks I am convinced it never reached fracture status (thank heavens) -- after ramping up my mileage to just over 35 miles. This setback was heartbreaking. Only an injured athlete can understand the frustration. Yes, it was only a few weeks but those few weeks were the hardest of the year for me.
Running is my only release, my selfish act in this life as a mother of three. Though I am not technically alone while running -- typically pushing 3 kids and only run solo an average of 1 day per month -- it is my alone time. Without running, I have no way to burn off steam and just spend my days teeming with frustration, feeling as if I'm trapped in this body and this life caring for others all day without an ounce of pleasure for myself. I need self-preservation. We all do. When I run, I love my life. I love caring for my kids, I give endlessly and feel great joy in that ability, I clean bottoms, wipe floors, remind of manners, break up fights, wash away cuts, kiss away bruises and keep the house running. One hour of running per day is all I need to get through the days with joy and peace. And so I signed up for this 1/2 Marathon to test my body. I wanted to see if I could complete an intense training plan in preparation for a PR (my goal time is sub 1:40 or 7:20/mi pace) and stay healthy.
Have I succeeded? Yes, I have. I have made it out alive and feel ready and excited for race day. More than that, I feel ready to sign up for a full. Some have cautioned, "Wait until after the actual 1/2 marathon and see if you still feel the compulsion to run a full!" Yes, that may be true and yes, I will wait before I write that check and new training plan. However, I do not foresee a dramatic change in mentality. In preparation for the LA 1/2, I have completed a 90-120 minute run once per week for nearly 2 months now. The first long run felt, well, long. After that, however, a shift took place and my long runs rarely feel long enough. Each one leaves me yearning for more, mentally more than physically, but still I feel ready to make the leap. I love being alone in my thoughts, out there on the trails pushing my boy (who has become my long run training partner and seemingly loves it - munches on snacks, woofs at every passing dog and naps at least half of every long run). Perhaps the thing I love most about long runs is the selfish fact that they give me 2 hours of time to myself. Two hours is a lot of time alone when you are a stay at home mother of three. Other than those two hours/week I don't get 1 minute alone. I don't get to go to the bathroom without holding little hands back from splashing in the toilet. Toys are thrown at me while showering, at least one kid is clung to my body at any given moment. And so the promise of 2 hours on the trail doing what I love most is always welcome. I am reminded that I don't have to run. I never have to run. I get to run. How incredibly lucky.
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| Best little training partner. : ) |
What marathon is your favorite? Last month I was leaning heavily towards Chicago. It is a lottery for the first time ever this year so there are no guarantees, but my family lives there, I was raised there, I began my running life there and it just seems to make sense. Other than the quite large fact that I hate running on roads, and I also grow bored running flats. And I never train on either. My heart is pulling for the Catalina Trail Marathon the second Sunday of November. It is small, secluded, beautiful and ranked the best trail marathon in the world year after year by Runner's World. Plus I have never been to Catalina, nor have the kids and it's only a short drive and ferry ride from our LA home. So, who's in for Catalina this November?! (Knock on wood my legs make it out alive in 12 days). : )
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