Reflections

Forward: I wrote this post a few days ago. Then something happened. Isaac woke up screaming from a nap, Cesia and Adara needed 130% of my attention and days passed without me having a second to even open up my computer and hit "post." Here goes...

I haven't written in 6 days. I have been thinking of writing, many times, and have come up with entire posts in my head while out running or nursing Isaac to sleep -- my two daily moments of contemplative thought. There are a few reasons I did not write. The first reason was that my head has been full of humdrum, whiny thoughts. I will admit it, I have been feeling sorry for myself this week. More than that, sorry for Isaac who came down with yet another virus and has been clingy, snotty, whiny and especially needy. Babies are needy, by nature. I love this. Isaac being my last baby, I appreciate the extra snuggles, I hold onto every middle of the night feeding with patience and love knowing that he will sleep through the night. The day will come when he doesn't need me for extra comfort sometime during that 3 o'clock hour. The day will come when he pushes me away, rejects my nourishment. Adara and Cesia both weaned themselves around 10 months. I was heartbroken. Isaac is over the 9 month mark.. that day may be coming soon.

The second reason I have not posted is that I am tired. I haven't had the mental capacity to hold a thought long enough to type it, let alone any thoughts worth posting.

I would love to sleep through the night. However, that has not been the main cause of my frustration. I have been bothered these past few days by dug-up old feelings of inadequacy, of not being able to help my baby when he is crying and so uncomfortable and needs me. Sunday night Isaac woke at 11:15pm and screamed so unbearably for the next 4 hours. I nursed him, I rocked him, I snuggled him, I climbed in his bed, I brought him in mine. Nothing helped. His entire body was burning up and the thermometer behind the ear read 103.5. I had never seen such a high temperature in any of my babies. It scared me and my entire being ached for him. Yet, there was nothing I could do. The clock continued ticking and the night was passing us by, Alan and I were both exhausted. Tears came flooding down my face as I felt those old feelings gush right in -- memories of caring for a colicky Adara in her first three months. I instantly realized why those early days with my first baby girl were so challenging -- because there simply was nothing that I could do. Nothing. I was inadequate. She (and now Isaac) was uncomfortable, confused, in pain, needy but unable to be comforted. Four years ago, I felt like I did not deserve to be a mother, like I should have never had a child. Clearly I didn't know what I was doing. She was crying because of my inadequacies. Those are the thoughts that consumed me the Fall of 2009. They came back in a living nightmare this past Sunday night while trying to care for Isaac. Finally, after 4 hours of crying (most of it in my arms), he nursed one last time and passed out. Thank heavens for the healing powers of breast milk! I was able to lie him down in his crib and climb back to bed for 2 hours of sleep myself before early bird Cesia woke for the day. I have been running on fumes for a few days, quite literally.

Reflecting on that rough night -- and luckily it was only one really rough night -- and the feelings that were stirred up inside me, I feel so fortunate that my kids are healthy. How could I care for a sick child? One that is needy and whiny like that all the time? I don't know if I could. Mothers and friends of mine, do, however, and they inspire me. They hold their babies for hours, for years, watching them suffer through unbearable pain. I am sure they feel inadequate at times. But we must remember that we are all our children need. We make mistakes, we screw up, we get impatient, we can be clueless at times. But we are something more than that: we are Mamas, and that is the biggest comfort in the world. Our kids see us as heroes, role models, magical beings to heal their pain. We had better start seeing it because our jobs are just too hard not to be recognized and honored by that one very important person - ourselves. Our kids are a reflection of ourselves, so let's give them something good to reflect. Goodnight.