I am a Mother

It is past 1am. I find myself in front of the computer screen, reading and writing. I am crying.

Holding Adara for the first time. August 3, 2009.

I am a Mother
by Caitlin Jacobsen

I am crying
because
I am sad,
I am happy,
I am scared,
because I did too much,
or not enough.

I am crying
because
I let him cry too long,
when he needed me.
I wasn't there,
I didn't come fast enough.

I am crying
because
he vomited.
Again.

I am crying
because
in my stomach
I hold fear.
I am afraid
that he is sick,
that something is wrong.
That test results will show
there's something more.

I am crying
because
I worry.
I worry that I am crying.
I was not a worrier
before I had kids.

I am crying
because
I love them
these three beings
with every ounce
of being
that is within me.

I am crying
because
I am tired,
oh so tired.
I haven't slept
through the night
in weeks,
or months,
or many many years.

I am crying
because
I want to be more,
I want to be their everything,
Yet in my heart
I know
I already am.

I am crying
because
he is asleep.
After 2 hours,
he is finally asleep,
and I miss him
I miss the weight of his body
in my arms
and I want to hold him
again.
But he needs sleep
and I need sleep.

I am crying
because
I am lucky.
I am happy.
I am blessed
to be a mother.
On best days
and worst days.
This
is what I wanted,
what I have always wanted.

I am crying
because
I am a mother.

Happy Mother's Day to my mother, for letting me cry, for teaching me it's okay to cry.
Happy Mother's Day to my friends and mothers who have taught me, held me, inspired me, laughed with me, cried with me and loved me.