Sunday, June 15, 2014

It's in the eyes

Our sanctuary.

Cesia's 1st Birthday.
.
Becoming a father.

It's in the eyes.

Those eyes...

Daddy and Adara.

Soccer in Santa Monica.


Montana, June 2013.
Silly kids.
Daddy and baby Cesia. March 2011.
Beach daddy.
Arizona, Christmas 2013.

Christmas Concert 2013.
Becoming a father, for the third time.
Daddy tickle attack.
Becoming a daddy, again.
Halloween 2011.
Cesia and her daddy.
The eyes.
Daddy animal rides.

Prescott Arizona, 2013.








It's in the eyes.
The way he looked at her.
Their eyes met and locked
Connected.
He didn't stray his from hers
For hours.
As they wheeled her away,
Connected
to tubes and wires and monitors.
His eyes watched hers.

It's in the eyes.
The way he looked at me
as he returned.
He came back 
to me.
Myself, cleaned, stitched and sore
in places I never realized 
existed.
Ready and excited.
Hand in hand, he led me
To see my first born
my daughter
my Adara
For the first time.

It's in the eyes.
The way we looked at her
Together
At each other
In awe,
In honor,
I wonder
At our greatest creation
Our greatest gift
to each other
Our baby girl.

It's in the eyes.
Bursting blue.
Eyelashes that go on for days
The type that never need mascara.
His and hers and hers and his.
They all have his eyes.

It's in the eyes.
"She smiles with her eyes,"
They all told me.
I smile
because I know she got that from him.
They got that from him.
They have his eyes and his heart.

It's in the eyes.
The love
The bond
The family secrets
They share.
The way they stare at him
The way they adore him
Marvel at him
Imitate him
Strive to be him
and I hope, someday
Will. 

Happy Father's Day to my love, their love, their Daddy.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

It Doesn't Get Any Easier

"It doesn't get any easier, you just get faster." - Greg Lemond (cyclist)

I found myself reflecting on this sentiment while out running through local single track this morning. I was alone and I had time to think. I was running the exact same course that I ran on the eve of my 28th birthday. Come Friday, I will be 29. It was that solitary run one year ago that inspired me to write my first ever blog post. Really, it was that run one year ago that inspired me to change the way I was looking at the world and handling my life. I was frustrated, spending my days, long days, with pent up anger and frustration about not being able to run. It was my first year with three kids. Ages 3.5, 2 and 5 months and my stroller could only hold 2. I considered most days bad days. Each night was ended with a newborn asleep on my chest and a head full of doubt. How could I get through another day of this? Another year? I hate ending the day with regrets, feeling upset with myself, wishing I handled my two-year-old's tantrums better, wishing I had more patience during the nightly bed-time routine. Something had to change.

I had spent months debating with my husband and myself on whether or not to purchase a triple stroller. Crazy, right? Who pushes a triple stroller? Who runs with a triple stroller? My friend Jean convinced me that I could run with a triple stroller. "You may not run fast, but you can definitely run with it," she said so matter-of-factly. She believed in me. She made myself believe in me. "Maybe she's right," I remember thinking, "maybe I could actually run with a triple stroller."

Summer 2013 Triple Run.

One year later and I realize that triple stroller was the change. It made the change. And it whipped my body into shape faster than I ever could have imagined. I remember the pain I felt last year running that hilly loop, begging my quads to get me to the top of each climb, praying that my lungs don't bleed out at that moment. I also remember the bliss and the peacefulness that I felt. I remember realizing for the first time that "Running makes me a better mother."

Running does make me a better mother. It is my anti-depressant, my daily dose of feel good, life is good, I can do this. Without this triple stroller and without running, who knows what the past year would have brought. Would we have survived? Yes. Would it have been the best year of my life? Certainly not.

Last year I suffered on the trail. Today it was a peaceful, leg-opening jaunt. But still, it wasn't easy. It's never easy. And "It never gets any easier, you just get faster." So it is with child-rearing, it never gets any easier, you just get better (at handling the emotions, at keeping your cool, at being patient, at knowing what they need, at wiping bottoms, at wiping tears, at loving, at being you). What are you getting better at?



Nearly five years of being a mother and still learning and improving every day.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Exploring

By nature, I am a creature of habit. Most other distance runners are too, I believe. It's something in our blood. With endless miles of dirt roads and trails within running-minutes from our house, I have to admit that I haven't explored much beyond my own backyard.

Littlest one takes a hiking break mid-run.

Most of us are Type A, a bit neurotic, beastly when we miss a run. Angsty and spirited, we need to expel that extra energy, returning it back to the earth with each stride. We are also explorers, always on the lookout for that perfect trail, that majestic view, that endorphin high that greets us so extravagantly at the end.

By nature, I am also very much a loner. I love returning from a run without spotting a single sole. There is some magic in being out there alone, suffering and working while you know everyone else is resting in the comfort of their homes. As much as I seek solitude in life and in running, sometimes, company is just what I need. On Saturday morning I ran with two trail running, ultra-marathon, young-child raising, amazing parents and people. These two introduced me to new trails and a whole new perspective. After traversing 9 miles of gorgeous single-tracks in the Las Virgenes mountains, I was left hungry. Hungry for more exploration, more shared miles with training partners and kindred spirits. Hungry for more stories and inspiration from these runners whom have covered many more miles than my legs or lungs have ever experienced. Hungry for knowledge of endurance. Really, my mind can't quite grasp how one can run 50 or 100 miles. Hungry for more trails. My body and brain used to be blessed with that endorphin high after only 30 minutes of running. Soon it grew to 60, then 90 then multiple hours. Now I find myself wanting more and more, needing more and more. Two hours on the trails seem to defy the laws or relativity and I am not yet ready to be done. So it is with distance runners. That is how the mountains pull you in, I find myself thinking.

Alas, I have three little ones that need me and there comes that point during each solo run (non-stroller run), that I know I must return back home. I am lucky to have them, though, as they bless me with balance. Without these kids I might very well go over the edge. It's funny to think that my kids set my curfew. Truth be told, they do set my running curfew. I can't run for hours and hours or do double days frequently, though they do happen on especially stressful days when I simply need a second run with the kids to handle the demands of the kids.

"The Triple." Thank goodness my nearly-5-year-old still weighs a mere 31 lbs.

When out running with the stroller, I know that 60 minutes is about their max. So most days we do 60. Much more than that and things can get ugly. Pushing 150+ lbs (uphill) with screaming children is not so pleasant. Many of you have experienced this and for those whom have never run with a yelling child, take my word, you are not missing out. One Saturday or Sunday each week I am usually able to negotiate some alone time to sneak out early morning for two hours. Any more than that and my partner feels neglected. We get so little family time or alone spousal time as it is with long work hours and early bedtimes, so two hours is sufficient and still retains the delicate balance.

But really this is the life, these days spent exploring mountainous trails and running wild, skipping and gliding over rocky technical trails and wild descents. Dirt sock lines and sticky sunscreen arms. Playing in nature's playground. Running and eating and playing and repeat. Both with the triple and alone, these are the days I love.