Running is my thing. Just last week I wrote about labels and said, "I am more than a runner.." And I know that I am. At the core of my being, I know that I am much more than just a runner. However, this past week I have been forced to ask myself, "Who am I when I'm not a runner?" What are my days without running? They surely don't feel as fun. I am lacking that inner peace. My brain is lacking it's daily dose of endorphins. I am frustrated, irritable, annoyed and impatient.
Last Thursday night 5pm came along, I should have been at the Malibu Trail Race Series. Instead, I was cleaning pee off our living room rug. Adara peed on the ground after trying to hold it for way too many hours, Isaac was starving and shouting in his high chair and Cesia was screaming that someone took off her socks (Sidenote: no one took off her socks, she did it herself and then forgot and then got mad). We were all crabby and hungry. I broke down. Tears running down my cheeks, I thought over my day. Since 5am I had been running, running errands, loading kids in and out of car seats, driving far too many miles, wiping too many bottoms, cleaning up too many toys, asking toddlers too many times to please just __ (fill in the blank with said task). Now I was cleaning pee. Teeming with anger, I picked up Adara under her armpits and placed her straight into the tub. She has been potty trained for over 2 years now and honestly had not had an accident in years. Surely this was out of attention. She is sensitive. Kids know everything, they sense our frustration and stress. I knew this was her way of getting my attention and I felt bad about that. But really, did she have to pee?
I grabbed Isaac from his high chair, before even getting a chance to feed him dinner and brought him upstairs with me. Poor baby, I thought. I can't even find the time to sit down and feed him a good meal before having to clean another mess. Then he started to laugh. Hysterically. A good belly laugh. For no reason at all. At first I just smiled and looked at him, then he laughed more. He couldn't stop and before I knew it, neither could I. Adara caught it next. Cesia, never missing a party, came pounding down the hall to discover what the laughter was all about. Before I knew it the four of us were sitting on my bathroom floor laughing. About nothing and everything.
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine knew what (s)he was talking about. A good dose of side-aching giggles opened my eyes. I am more than a runner. I am a mother, too, and right now that is what my kids need. They need more from me and I need to be more for them. However, they also need to understand my frustration and the cause of it. After a good laughing fit we had a good conversation over dinner. I explained to the girls that my foot is hurt and I can't run and it's really hard for me, because I love to run. It's hard when we can't do things that make us feel good, and they need to learn that lesson, so we talked. They asked questions and they got it. They, too, are anxious to run to school again and to the climbing trees. For now, though, we must all just be patient.
We stayed on our laughing track and had the best weekend in a long time, full of family time. Lately we have been doing a divide and conquer on the weekends. There is great value in that -- Alan gets alone time with the girls and vice versa and I get a break while Isaac naps at home. However, there is also a time for family togetherness. I realize that was what I/we had been missing. And, how I love our family.
Saturday was spent with good friends sharing good food at Pedaler's Fork (one of our favorite local organic, vegan-friendly, bicycle-inspired restaurants). After brunch the fun was moved to our backyard where we sat around and chatted while the kids happily played. Nothing fancy, nothing organized, just relaxed conversation with the best of friends. Alan and I continued our fun into the night with a moon-lit mountain bike ride. We didn't see a single soul up there (besides a few leaping deer) for the entire 90 minutes. And, silver-lining: my legs sure felt fresh and fast on the bike after a week off running!
Daddy and Daughter-long-legs outside Pedaler's Fork.
Sunday morning was Sunday School and community bonding over a wonderful church service. Our pastor excitedly introduced our new song leader, Paulie Z., who transformed the church into a rock concert with his upbeat energy and soulful voice. All feeling moved, happy and ready to go we headed to the LA Zoo as a family for the first time since Isaac's birth. Alan takes the girls there all the time by himself, but today we went together. Isaac spent most of the trip happily sitting in the triple just smiling and babbling away. Adara ran from exhibit to exhibit excitedly telling me what animal we would see next, the zoo expert she has become. Cesia shifted between nap in the car to nap in the stroller to skipping through the final exhibits of the zoo before heading home to a backyard BBQ.
Alan gets a turn with the triple!
We got lots of stares at the Zoo but I still love this thing, and these riders.
Adara and Isaac getting out some energy
at the Zoo playground while Cesia snoozed.
What a weekend! Just what the doctor ordered (minus all the walking at the Zoo). I did wear supportive footwear and my heel isn't too much worse for the wear this morning and my head is definitely in a better place. Hope you all had some fun together time, too!
I know that you think of yourself as a runner and I remember when I thought of myself as a football player. For me, that seems so long ago and I grew into a husband, father, therapist, and spiritual director. Even though I know you are still a great runner, I don't think of you as that anymore. Now I see you only as a daughter, a young mother, a wife, and an inspiration. That one part of who you are(runner), is so much to you and important to me but small in comparison to all those other labels. Hearing you write about Kelly and your family is a reminder of all the wonderful things you mean to me. So I am sad for your foot but inspired by your devotion as a wife and mother. I love you and you have always been a role model to me. Thanks and love, Dad
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